I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
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