btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
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