i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
Randomize
