he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
Randomize
