I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
