Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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