checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Randomize
