I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
3 2 1 whiskey
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
Randomize
