I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Randomize
