That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
Randomize
