My first STD was from a foam party
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
