you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
I dont know how to respond to your rave picture. I mean yeah, he's hot, but it just seems wrong to be like "Please tell me you fucked that guy with the pacifier!"
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
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