the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Randomize
