It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
my liver is dry heaving
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
Randomize