Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
Randomize
