i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
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