I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
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