i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
