imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
Randomize
