It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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