My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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