Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Randomize
