and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
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