Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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