Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
i just sent this text using only my big toe
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
