True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
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