Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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