Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
Randomize
