I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
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