He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
