I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Randomize
