I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
Walk of Shame today included voting.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
