i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
