During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
Randomize
