I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
Randomize
