You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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