I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Randomize
