Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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