I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
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