I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
Redeem this text for a blowjob
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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