How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
Randomize
