I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
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