I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Randomize
