I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Randomize
