2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize
