I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
Randomize
