I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
I could have mohawked her pubes.
Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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