My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Randomize
