no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Randomize
