fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
wat bout pragnant strippers??
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
i wish my penis had a tongue
To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
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