pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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