I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
I lost the right to judge tonight
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Randomize
