if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
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