an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Randomize
