you're like a bully in the Christmas story
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
hey, when you wake up, search yourself on youtube
my sister already found it, were watching it right now. i give it 2 thumbs up.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Randomize
