When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
