Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
