You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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