They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
What the hell do you do when your fuck buddy leaves to go for a piss naked and 20 minutes later hasn't come back and can't be found anywhere in the house or outside but has left his phone, tee shirt and shoes in your bedroom.
I don't think there is a pre defined social etiquette for a lost naked fuck buddy now roaming the streets.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize