The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
A bitchslap is in order.
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